I can’t breathe. My head hurts. Aren’t allergies weird? Like, my lungs or nasal passages or whatever freak out when certain things go thru them. I can’t tolerate cat or dog dander. Why? For other people its fine… Why is my nose and throat freaking out? Idk. I’ve never really thought about allergies before. Don’t you think it’s weird that some people are totally fine with everything but some people aren’t?
This song is called “Eye On You”. The song is about one of my friends who is being pursued by some guy. It’s really obvious and everyone can see it but my friend. This is kinda my wake up call song for my friend. Please listen and download here http://humanstate.bandcamp.com/track/eye-on-you
I resent the fact that my parents didn’t pay enough attention to me as a child. Growing up and even now I always felt like a bother to my parents. An annoyance. I felt like when I went to my parents for attention they were too busy or tired. My sister was so easily loved by them. She was perfect in their eyes and I felt so angry and jealous towards her. I was always wrong, and always the troubled one. I felt like I had to go above and beyond in what I did. I always tried to set myself apart from my sister and I tried to be more original so I would stand out. I never felt like I really fit in with my family. I was never really depressed as a kid but I was never really happy. Someone asked me a while ago “Can you remember a time when you were really happy?” and I honestly couldn’t. Even since I was little, like 2, I felt like I had to fight for everything.
I recently watched an old home video from when I was that age and I was calling my family stupid and slapping them. What is wrong with me? I was selfish, angry, resentful, short fused and mean even at that age. I have this thing in my head that I think about occasionally. I feel like some people are just meant to be unhappy in life. I look back at my life and I look at my qualities and I think “Even then…”.
I feel like I have this need to hurt everyone I know because I am still hurting. Anytime I make a friend I get really close with them and then I hurt them. I am always trying to make my family feel bad about themselves. I find things I can pick on and exploit because for a brief moment it makes me feel better. But then I realize what I’ve done and I feel even worse. Its not even a conscious thought, like “Oh I’m gonna make him feel bad today…”. It’s like when I get to know someone I get really angry at them for some reason; probably because they’re happy. I just have this need inside to attack and destroy. When I feel like I am being attacked personally, I do not hold back. I will cut someone to the bone.
I don’t ever want to be in a relationship. It would kill me to see myself doing this to someone who I consider my other half. I know what I can do and I would never want to break someone, because I know I can. I have liked different people over the years, but I hold myself back. I love them SO MUCH that I don’t want to be with them because I don’t want to make them unhappy. I like someone right now but I know its in their best interest for me not to do anything…
I just want to say that I HATE this about myself and I NEED and WANT to change. I want to be a good person and I want to be able to love. I don’t want the ones who read this to hate me and think I am crazy. I feel like I am on a path to becoming a better person and it feels good to talk about this…
I just wanna say thanks for following me. It makes me feel SO GOOD when I see that someone has started to follow me. I feel like “Wow this person thinks I am good enough to follow. They think what I have to say is entertaining/important.”